Regrets
by crazygemma
Summary: After a fight, Abby finds herself in Carters arms, will Luka forgive her? Please r/r
1. why

Huge tears fell from her eyes. Why had she done it? She didn't love Carter, she didn't even like him in that sense. He was probably the best friend she had ever had and they had just ruined their friendship.   
She looked at his figure oh her bed, wishing it were Luka. Why had she been so horrible to him? She hadn't meant to shut him out but she was scared of telling him too much in case he disapproved or was disappointed. She had tried being close to someone before, Richard, and she refused to let herself be hurt again. However the fight she had had with Luka the night before had hurt her more than she realised. As she was thinking, or regretting, a voice called out her name from across the room.  
  
"Abby" Carter looked at her and noticed the tears. "Are you OK?" He asked, and concern was painted across his face, and he began to get out of bed.  
" Sorry I didn't mean to wake you, I just came in to get some scrubs for work. I'm fine Carter" she said, wiping the tears from her cheeks " I'm going to have a shower and get ready for work, I have to be on in an hour."   
"Why are you crying?"   
"I'm not" She didn't want to tell him the reason for her tears as she didn't want to hurt him. The day before he had told her he had feelings for her and later that night, she had kissed him. She wished she had said to Luka 'I love you' when he had said it to her, and how she wished that she had had the strength to resist Carter last night. She could blame him, but she knew she had to take most of the blame. After the fight with Luka, she wanted someone to hold her and talk to, and that person turned out to be Carter. At least she had the willpower to stop it before it went further, but that didn't matter. She still believed that kissing Carter had meant she had been unfaithful to Luka, and she hated herself for it. The main reason she despised Richard was because he had slept with half of Chicago, and now she was as bad as he was. Why was her life always such a mess?   
She walked quickly into the bathroom and turned on the shower. She knew Carter would be lying in her bed and he had probably guessed that she was still upset, even though she hadn't told him why. She would have to face him, but at this moment, she couldn't. She was afraid of losing both her best friend and boyfriend in the same day. She stepped into the warm shower and relived the past 24 hours…  
  
  
She and Luka walked out the ER side by side. Neither one of them dare break the tense silence that lay between them. She was angry that he had returned the application, and he was hurt. Why did his girlfriend Abby find it easier to talk to Carter? He had done everything he could to get her to open up to him but she had built a wall around herself and wouldn't let Luka in. Eventually he plucked up the courage and spoke, knowing that what he had to say could make or break their relationship.  
  
"I'm sorry Abby. If you had told me that you were have doubts about going back to med school then I would never had turned in the form" He said gently, the hurt apparent in his voice  
"I should have told you I'm sorry"   
  
A few moments passed and he slowly said what had been concerning him for the past few months.   
  
"Why won't you talk to me?" He asked  
"I do talk to you" She replied  
"Not properly you don't. If you are worried or angry you go to Carter, and not me"  
"He's my friend" she said quietly  
He knew this was hurting her and he didn't want to, but he knew that if he didn't get this off his chest, their relationship was doomed "But I'm your boyfriend"  
"I know that" she said quietly   
"Well why won't you talk to me? You can trust me"  
"Look Luka, I'm sorry. I really don't feel like talking about this today. I'm really tired. Can we discuss this in the morning?" He looked at him and she knew what he was going to say, she could tell by the expression on his face.  
"No, I think we should talk now"  
"Why? I'm sorry if me being friends with Carter annoys you but I'm not going to stop being friends with him just because you are uncomfortable or jealous. I don't tell you who to be friends with" Her angry tone surprised Luka but he knew that he had to tell her how her felt.  
"This is isn't about who your friends are. I don't care who you are friends with but I do care about you and I want you to talk and confide in me"  
"I don't feel comfortable talking about how I feel. I did that with my mom and Richard and look where that got me! Now can we just go, Im starving and tired" She looked at him, hoping he would give up his argument.  
"When will you realise that I am not Richard,, I'm never going to cheat on you or hurt you" He said in a angry tone which startled Abby . He then mellowed and continued to say "I'm sorry Abby, but I want to be on my own tonight. I love you. I've fallen in love with this beautiful, intelligent caring lady" He could see the shock on her face as he carried on speaking, "But do you really think we can stay together, if you can't talk to me? I'll see you tomorrow" He didn't want to hurt her but she had to know how he was feeling. He walked towards his hotel, his head hung low to match his emotions. She simply stared, too stunned to speak.  
  
Tears started to fall from Abby's eyes. She started to walk quickly as she hated people to see her cry. Why had Luka done this? She was happy with their relationship. They had been going out for about 8 months and things were going great. She had got to know him well and he had supported her with her. She realised that she talked to Carter more, but she hadn't realised how much this had hurt him. Still, he had hurt her tonight and she was angry. So what if she did speak to Carter, he was quite close to Kerry? She didn't have a go at him for talking to her. She started walking towards the El, brushing her tears away.   
  
"Abby?" He recognised Carter's voice but she didn't respond  
"Are you OK?"   
"I'm fine thanks"  
"You don't look fine, why are you crying?"  
"It doesn't matter" She said quietly, meeting his eyes   
"Are you sure? If you don't mind me saying, it obviously does matter to you because otherwise you wouldn't be crying?"  
"Well I said it doesn't matter, OK?" She replied angrily  
"Fine" he said "Where are you headed? Not with Luka? I thought he had just finished" He knew he shouldn't talk to Abby about Luka, especially after his revelation that day but he hoped she would realise that he could make her happy/  
"Yes, he's gone. Im headed home. You?"  
"I was thinking of getting something to eat, are you hungry?"  
Her stomach lurched and reminded her that she hadn't eaten since the mourning. "Yeah, I was gonna order a pizza"  
"Fancy some company?"  
"What happened to you not wanting to be friends with me?"  
"I thought about it and I realised that I shouldn't have put you in the position. I admit, I do like you but if figured that if nothing can ever come of that, I definitely want to have your friendship in my life. Am I forgiven?"  
"Ok"  
"Wanna order pizza then? My treat?"  
She nodded and they started walking towards his car. She had stopped crying but Carter could tell she was still upset.  
"So are you gonna tell me what is wrong, or am I going to have to guess?"  
"You don't want to know, and besides I don't really want to talk about it"  
"By that response Im guessing it is Luka but if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine by me. Shall we go to your apartment? We could to mine but my gamma…"  
Abby interrupted "That's fine"  
  
They drove in silence. Abby wondering if she should thank Carter for his support and then go to see Luka. She hated the thought of him being upset but she knew that if she went to his hotel, he would want to talk and she couldn't face that.   
Carter drove, his eyes focus the dark road ahead. Had Abby and Luka broken up? He didn't think that was the problem because he knew that although Abby wouldn't admit it, he could tell that she loved Luka. Maybe Luka had slept with someone else? Maybe Abby had slept with someone else? No, he knew that couldn't be the problem because Abby hated people cheating and he couldn't imagine Luka doing that, he seemed so moral. Maybe they had…  
"Carter" He jumped  
"What?"  
"You drove straight past my apartment" She laughed  
"I did?" He looked around and realised that he was right  
"Sorry, I was thinking" He stopped the car and they got out.  
Silently the walked up to her apartment until eventually Carter broke the silence, as she was unlocking the door.  
"What sort of pizza do you like?" He said, picking up the phone  
"Whatever, I'm not fussed"  
He ordered the pizza, 1 extra large vegetarian supreme and two cokes  
"Wanna watch a movie?"  
"Sure"  
"But we'll have to sit on my bed 'cause the video's in my room"  
"OK. What films have you got?"  
She pointed to the stack of videos next to her TV, and pressed her answer machine. She was secretly hoping there would be a message from Luka, apologising, but there wasn't. She looked and saw Carter looking at her video collection  
"Any preferences?"  
"No, not bothered"  
"Ok, I got one"  
"Are you gonna cheer up?"  
She smiled, although not very convincingly  
  
The film started and between bites, Carter spoke  
"Why is your VCR in your bedroom, and your videos in the lounge?"  
"Well I like watching movies but I always fall asleep before the end, so I figured it would be easier to move it here" She said, as the credits began.  
  
  
The credits went up and Carter looked up and saw Abby was still awake.  
"I thought you fell asleep during movies" he said, knowing that she hadn't really watched the movie  
"I wasn't really watching"  
"I know. Wanna tell me what's wrong now?"  
"Not really. Why is life so complicated?"  
"I dunno. Guess it makes it more interesting"  
"You know that I'll always be here for you, don't you? Even if it is just to supply pizza"  
"Thanks" she said looking at him  
Before she knew what was happening, she leaned in and kissed him. Carter kissed her back, and then she realised what she was doing and pulled away.  
They both sat there, in awkward silence.   
"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I don't know why I did, it's not fair on you"  
"Its OK. I know you are upset. I should be going", he said looking at the clock. It was 1:54am  
"Listen I don't want things to be awkward between us. Why don't you sleep over? Your already half asleep"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Well I could use the company. You can stay in here, I'll go in the spare room, I insist"  
"OK, I wont argue"  
"Don't worry Abby. Things won't change between us but what are you going to tell Luka?"   
"Goodnight" she whispered closing the door. What had she done? Watching that movie had made her realise she loved him. Had she ruined everything?  



	2. please forgive me?

She got out the shower, dried and quickly changed into her scrubs.She brushed her teeth and combed her hair. She hoped Carter had gone, because she didn't feel like talking but she realised that she could hear the TV in the lounge. What was she going to say to him?  
She walked out the bathroom. "Hey" she said  
"Are you feeling better?" He asked  
"A bit. I gotta get to work, stay as long as you want"  
"OK, thanks for having me, and Abby, you don't have to worry, I won't say anything to Luka"  
"I'm gonna tell him, he deserves to know. Help yourself to breakfast" She picked up her coat and keys  
"Thanks but I already did" He pointed at the bowl in the sink "Do you want me to say anything to Luka?"  
"No, its OK. I'll see you later, are you on today?"  
"No"  
"And Carter, thanks"  
"Your welcome" he said, as she closed the door.  
  
************************************************************************************************  
  
She closed the door to her apartment block and the cold wind whipped her cheeks. That hadn't been too awkward with Carter but now she had to face Luka. She hadn't slept much last night; in fact she had had about 2 hours sleep in total, so she was hoping it was a quiet day in the ER. Luka was on this morning so she knew she would have to speak to him, she just didn't know what she was going to say to him...  
  
She walked in the lounge at the ER and there he was standing there, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand.  
"Hi" he said  
"Hi"  
"You look tired," he said, sipping his coffee  
"I didn't sleep very well last night," she said, hanging up her coat  
"Me neither"  
"Well I better go, or Kerry will fire me" she joked  
"See you later" he called as she walked out the room  
  
************************************************************************************************  
  
She stood on the roof and breathed deeply. It was 11:30 and they had already had two car crashes, one shooting and a heart attack. She wondered what the rest of the day had to offer. She had managed to avoid Luka all morning, although she desperately wanted to speak to him. She had missed him last night, and she was completely guilt ridden. Just as she was thinking about him, she heard him call her name  
  
"Abby"   
"Hey. Busy morning?"  
"I know"  
"I'm sorry"  
"So am I. I shouldn't have been so horrible to you"  
"It doesn't matter now, it made me realise that you were right"  
"I am?"  
"Yeah I do talk to Carter a lot, he's probably the best friend I have ever had but you are my boyfriend and I shouldn't shut you out! I need to tell you something"  
"OK"   
"Last night, after you'd gone, I had a pizza and watched a movie with Carter, and we... kissed. I don't know why it happened. I was upset after our fight, but it made me realise something" She looked at Luka, and he was looking at the ground. He looked up and she could see the tears in his eyes.   
Before she could speak, tears fell from her eyes and she spoke between sobs "I'm sorry. It made me realise that I... I... I love you and that I need you in my life" She stuttered as she remembered that she had probably said those words about 5 times in her entire life. "I don't know what else to say. I can't change what happened" She wiped her eye "Are you gonna say something?"  
"I have to get back to work," he said before turning and walking towards the stairs  
Abby cried harder. She knew that she had to get back to work but she didn't care. The man that she loved had turned his back on her, and at this moment, she didn't know if he would ever speak to her again, let alone hold her again. She had never felt so alone.   



	3. Hope

She finally finished at 7pm. She told Kerry that she felt ill, and she knew she'd believe her after everyone had spent the day commenting on how rough she looked. She had finished an hour early, which meant she had managed to avoid Luka. He had looked so upset all day, and had been in an awful mood. Everyone kept commenting on it, and even Dave had quizzed Abby over it. She knew they must be that day's topic of conversation.  
  
"So you've had an argument with Luka?" he asked  
"I don't see why it is any of your business" she replied  
"Well its all our business as he's been grumpy all day. Did you know that he threatened to fire me for hitting on this cute chick? Even the chief doesn't do that!"  
"Grow up Dave!"  
  
She walked out the ER and headed home. She was going to spend another night without Luka. It felt weird to her as for the past 8 months they had hardly spent any time apart and she had got used to him being around. She decided that she would have to get use to it. After the way he had just walked away, she knew that she had ruined their relationship.  
She stopped at the store on the way home and picked up an extra large tub of Haagen-Daz. She walked past the vodka and gin, and knew that she didn't need it. An extra large tub of cookies and cream ice cream would cheer her up just as well. She paid and continued on her way home.  
  
She was snuggled on her couch in her pyjamas, watching a movie. It was her favourite, a real feel-good film but tonight it wasn't doing the desired job. Maybe one day, she'd find her own Patrick Swayze and she could have her own version of Dirty Dancing. She had eaten too much ice cream and she still felt sick, as well as miserable. There was a knock at the door. She glanced at her clock and saw that it was 9:45. She wasn't expecting anyone. She wondered who it could be as she got up. Maybe it was Carter with another pizza. She opened the door and there stood Luka   
  
She just stared at him. She hadn't expected to see him She held the door wide and he came in.  
  
"You're watching this movie again?" She smiled  
"It's a classic," she said, turning the TV off  
"I looked for you at the end of the shift but Kerry said you had gone home ill. Are you OK?"   
"I'm fine, but I couldn't tell her the real reason for me feeling terrible. Luka what do you want? If you've come to ask me if I'm Ok then you can see I'm physically fine, and if you want to know anything else, I told you everything that happened" she said quietly, looking down at the carpet  
"Abby, I love you" She looked up and their eyes met. "I'm sorry I walked away this morning but it was a shock and you hurt me, but I realised today that I love you more than ever. Beside I think Dave wants us to get back together because I almost fired him today" He laughed before continuing. " I don't want to lose you, you are the best thing that has happened to me in years. I want us to get over these problems. Do you?"  
"I do. I'm sorry, I don't know why it happened but I love you too"   
He leaned in and kissed her and relief washed over Abby as she kissed him back.  
  
************************************************************************************************  
  
They were sat on the couch, her head was resting on his chest and he was playing with her hair. They were both in silence but Abby knew that she had to learn to talk to him.  
"I don't know why I find it easier to talk to Carter" she said softly "He reminds me off Eric and we've always been quite close. When my mom went off the rails when we were little, we'd take care of each other. I suppose I just felt safe with Carter" He didn't say anything, he just held her in his arms. She was tiny compared to him and he hoped she felt safe. She continued "But then Carter told me that he'd fallen in love with me and I just felt confused. He told me 'that he didn't want to be my friend anymore because it might be doing something for me, but it wasn't doing anything for him'. I felt like he'd only been my friend because he saw a chance to get close to me, and not because he wanted to just be my friend. And then you told me you had turned my application form in, and offered to pay my tuition. I guess I just freaked because it meant we would be quite committed" She wiped the tears that had fallen from her eyes. She couldn't stop and realised that she had cried more in the past few days then she ever had before in her life.  
"Sssssshhhhhh" Luka tried to calm her. "I'm sure Carter didn't mean it like that, I doubt that he never meant to hurt you. I didn't mean to scare you by offering to pay your tuition. I simply thought that going back to med. school was important to you and I wanted to help," he said, kissing her head  
"I know that. No-ones ever done anything like that for me before. I supported Richard while he was at med. school, and then when he was going to do it for me, he slept with the nurses, we got divorced and he stopped paying the tuition" she laughed, although Luka knew this still hurt her. He realised that all his life people had been making false promises to Abby and he made a mental note to never do this to her.  
"Come on, why don't we watch the end of the film, I know the end is your favourite part" he reached for the remote  
"I thought you hated this movie?"   
"It's growing on me," he said as they snuggled down  
Abby breathed a deep sigh of relief. She was so pleased that Luka had come to her apartment that night. She knew that even though they had only talked for a short while, they had grown closer and the future looked brighter. Would they manage to stay together? She didn't know, but she was going to work hard at it for one simple fact, she loved him.  



	4. 2 cups of coffee and a heart to heart

He rolled over and switched off the loud alarm clock, releasing Abby from his grip. He stared the clock and rubbed his eye. 5am. He had around 4 hours sleep and he had to be in work in an hour. He smiled as he looked over at Abby. She was sleeping peacefully, so he crept out of bed, trying not to wake her. He went into the bathroom and jumped in the shower.  
  
  
"Abby" he tried to wake her gently. He didn't want to leave without saying goodbye  
"What time is it?" she opened her eyes and looked at Luka, who was sitting on bed, holding a cup of coffee. "How long have you been up?" she asked, noticing he was dressed  
"Its 5:40, I have to be at work 6, Here" he passed the cup of coffee to her.  
"Thanks" she said, sitting up and taking a sip. She pulled a face  
"Sorry, you've run out of sugar." She smiled. "Are you on today?" He asked.  
"12, I think. You better go, your gonna be late" she gave him a kiss. He pulled her in close but after a few seconds, she pulled away "Now your really gonna be late" she said, laughing. He kissed her again, before getting up.  
"I'll see you at work"  
"Ok" she put the coffee down and snuggled back down "Bye"  
"Bye" he called as he closed the apartment door  
  
A smile spread over Abby's face. Her relationship was back on track. She had talked to Luka, properly, and she was looking forward to the future. She still felt bad about Carter, he had said that he was OK, but she wasn't convinced. She decided to phone him, and arrange to meet him before work.  
  
"Hello?" A sleepy voice asked  
"Hi, Carter. It's me, Abby"  
"Abby? Are you OK?"  
"I'm fine, why do you ask?"  
"Well its 6 in the morning!"  
"Oh my God, John I'm sorry" She glanced at the clock, and saw it was indeed 6am. "Did I wake you?"  
"It doesn't matter, really, I should be getting up anyway"  
"OK, well I was just wondering if you wanted to meet at Dr Magoos before work? I think we need to talk"  
"Um, well OK, sure. Wanna meet at about 11?"  
"Yeah Ok, see you then. Sorry I woke you"  
"Don't worry about it. See you later" He hung up  
  
What did Abby want to talk about? He would find out in a couple of hours but he was curious. She sounded happier than the last time he had seen her, he thought as he headed into the shower  
  
  
Abby walked into Doc Magoos and looked around. She saw Carter, sitting in a booth, his back facing her. He didn't know she was here, so she could just as easily turn around and run away. She felt uneasy as she didn't want to hurt him, but as she had learned over the past few days, honesty really was the best policy.  
  
"Hey" she said, sitting down opposite him, picking up a menu.  
"Hey"   
"Sorry about waking you up"  
"Don't worry about it" he laughed   
"Ready to order?" the waitress asked   
"I'll just have a coffee"  
"I'll have an espresso and one full breakfast please"   
"Ok, shouldn't be long" she said, taking the menus from them  
"So, what did you wanna talk about?" Carter asked  
"Well I wanted to apologise and thank you. I shouldn't have kissed you, It wasn't fair, and I feel awful. I don't know why I did it, I was a mess, as you could see" she said "I hope we can still be friends, I know you said it was OK but I don't… I don't want there to be any tension between us"  
"Listen. I'll be honest. I was hurt when you reacted the way you did. A part of me hoped you'd realise that it was me you liked, but I stupid to think that. It was just as much my fault as it was yours. I could see you were vulnerable and upset and I shouldn't have kissed you back, but it made me realise something. I do have feelings for you, I can't help that" he looked at her and saw she was messing with a napkin " but I don't want to lose your friendship. I think we are better of as friends and I don't there to be any tension between us either"  
"I'm sorry Carter. I hate the fact that I've hurt you" she looked at him "I…. I don't know what to say," she said, as his breakfast and their coffees arrived  
"Listen, don't worry about. In a few weeks we'll be over it" he took a mouthful "I'm guessing' you talked to Luka. He was in a bad mood all day yesterday, Dave looked like he was going to cry at one point" he laughed  
"Yeah I did. We talked and I think we are going to be OK"  
"Am I going to have to watch my back?"   
"Well you're not his favourite person at the moment, but I told him you were my best friend and he understands that we are going to talk"  
"I'll keep out his way to be on the safe side. He doesn't look the violent type, but he's a good couple of inches taller than me so he has the advantage!"  
She laughed. "I'm glad we've talked"  
"Me too"  
The waitress took the plate and empty mugs. Carter reached for his wallet  
"No, no its on me" she gave the waitress $10  
"Thanks"  
She glanced at her watch. "I better go, I don't want to get on the wrong side of Weaver. What time you on?"   
"6"   
"You're not on till 6?" she said putting her coat on "Why did you agree to meet me now? W could have met this afternoon, on my break"  
"Well I had just woken up, so I just agreed. I don't mind really"  
Ok, see you later" She stood up and started to walk away  
"And Abby, thanks. I know this must have been hard for you, but I'm glad we talked"   
"Me too, I'll see you later" She walked out the door  
  
She walked over to the ER. She was glad she had phoned Carter, and they had met. She hoped they would be OK, that there wouldn't be any tension between them, but you never know, do you?   



End file.
